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07/09/2003 Entry: "... Cheese and wh- excuse me, wine."

Music |

Mood |

People. Really.

In response to comments on my last blog entry...

1) Sarah, why don't you call me? I mean, I'm not really the calling type, even when you lived here in Burbank (recall that last half of second semester of complete nothingness?)... ^^; I'm sorry, I just stink at calling. *makes memo* well, call me too, one of these days (I only really remember to call people back, not to initate calls), and we'll get together :> (Do I owe you a dollar? I think I do.)

And Sinbad was GOOD? >.> ::haven't seen it yet:: It had a very painful opening weekend. Dreamworks released comments that are rather anti-Nemo.

Person number two gets a particularly long response, and so if you're looking for you, it's a continued message.

3) Augusto, I think they were joking and I also thought your comment was amusing because I am indeed particularly uncreative in terms of layouts. (:P Then again, your last like, three blog layouts have all had columns on the left.) Btw, I watched like five episodes of Haibane Renmei (do you even HAVE a commenting space on your blog? I just see tan), and although it's really nice, I COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. Soo excrucatingly slow. >.> Very nice art, though. (It reminded me too much of Yokohama Kaidashi Kikou, which I do read, but still..)

4) Andrew, no hot burning love on my blog with side bars of "if you know what I mean" :P And no, the grammar thing was not specifically a burn on you... just a comment on your personality. How many times do you remember correcting anyone's grammar? ^_^ I seem to vaguely remember some odd IM conversations..

Person number 2 is continued for special purposes.

#2) Someone who knows very well who they are: Well. For starters, I guess when you typed off that little rant, you didn't take into consideration my birthday party, to which I invited you. Should I assume you didn't consider that as an invitation? Or as going out? Please, take your pick - either one is a brilliant and kind justification. I suppose you also didn't take into consideration that you rarely called me.

Oh, yes, I do remember you calling. I won't say that you didn't. I remember the night of the enormous history project I was presenting the next day. I remember how you couldn't get in contact with me, even though you so desperately tried to - and I was very sorry at the time that my phone lines were busy. But I do remember your call that same week, you calling to say that you were rather annoyed at me for not editing your essay that night, even though you knew I had a project due. I guess I am a bitch, but I've never denied it, like some do. I also remember the time that you called while I was sleeping a month back - you sounded rather affected on your blog - and I also remember me asking you why on earth you called. Yes, I remember that, and I remember you talking down to me as if I was something rather pathetic for sleeping at five in the afternoon (never mind the few hours of sleep I had gotten that previous week), and then saying, "Oh, it's not really important" and then hanging up on me, leaving me to stare rather blankly at the receiver. Well, at least you succeeded in waking me up.

But did you ever call me yourself? Without a favor to ask of me? I have never truly minded doing favors, except when it's assumed I'll do it - and you are ever so talented at assuming. Ever called, not to ask me something about Key Club, or school, or some information you needed? If you did, I can't remember for its insignificance.

Hmm. I might also mention here that Sarah attended last semester with me as well at BHS and that I was lucky to see her once a week. Or that I saw Allison more during finals week than I had the entire year.

Should I mention swim season as well? (Swim season having existed during the last semester - during which you were not here - of school.) Should I now beg for forgiveness at not having called you when school let out? A three o'clock precisely? While I was on the bus heading for another two and a half hours of swim practice? Ah, but you were in the pool, and then I said hi to you and went in myself. Oh, so when I did get out - around seven o'clock (later on meet days) - this is where my largest error lies, in not calling you when burdened with large amounts of reading and work (did you have Beidelman?) and just life in general, most of which I ignored in favor of sleep, thus ending up burning through in class (bless second period) the next morning. I see now, only now when I reflect, how your annoyance over me not calling you is perfectly justified.

Alright: an end to the sarcasm. I don't know how hard this last semester was for you. You didn't call me either, as I've so ranted, even when I was worried about you switching schools, even when I stopped calling because you sounded so positively annoyed at me. (If you recall the last time I saw you, you didn't say hello, even when I did. During finals week? I said, "Hi, Jess, how've you been? Can you believe it, I got through Honors Chem!" (I had just found out my grade) and you said, "That's nice, how was the final? What was on it?" and so I just said, "easy, follow the study guide that I gave Ally", hugged Allison, and left.)

Because no, I don't know about you. I don't know what you went through this last semester, when you say it was like you didn't even exist. I'm sure not existing is a painful thing for you. It's a painful thing for most people, after all. It wasn't for me, because I didn't care about existing pretty much. But you didn't know that, either, nor did I tell you.

You're not to blame for how sucky my life was this last semester. I am, because I brought it on myself with lots and lots of work, which I did handle somewhat, but at an emotional cost to myself. I hated myself this year. But I do blame you for acting like a pariah, a martyr to the cause of existence. I blame you, too, for putting that ignorantly cruel comment that made me remember how desperate I was this semester to get out.

I'm better now. I needed a break, away from people and the daytime and loud noises (including myself). And I apologize to my friends who read this and went, "Whoa, what happened to her, she never mentioned this", because I dislike using my blog as a ranting device.

Oh. But my last and final response to your comment: absolute bullshit.